As I lay awake throughout the night wanting to sleep but cannot shut my mind off, often I will grab my laptop and just start typing or scroll through my social medias or play a game and watch a show. However well I've been unable to sleep ive been able to think as well. The other night I started to think to myself my purpose in life is gone, over. I feel like my purpose was to take care of my mom and my nieces and now mom is gone and my nieces are in full time daycare and I don't see them anymore (this breaks my heart).
I honestly don't know what my purpose is anymore. I feel extremely lost now, still very numb also Im not feeling good emotionally clearly or physically, over the past couple years my health took a dive down. So with everything going on at the moment i'm just feeling done. I also miss going into The Village where mom had lived for the past 2 years and a bit. I love that place I miss the villagers and staff more than anything. I just want to go there and visit!! However due to covid still existing there are no visitors or volunteers allowed to be there unless you are an essential visitor. It makes me so upset I can't go into The Village anymore. I want to go back to moms room and just sit in there, but I know its not hers anymore a new lady moved into it.
Where do I go from here?
I feel like my purpose in life is to take care of my loved ones, none need me right now, well I think one needs me huge and its this girl typing this out. I know I'm struggling so much and its scaring me. I think maybe a grief counsellor maybe needed. I'm also trying to be extremely kind to myself and let myself go through all the motions. I was laughing tonight and when I realized I stopped and felt guilty, should I be laughing well i'm grieving?? Then I though well yes if something is funny or puts a smile on my face then that's a good thing. Even if I feel broken and my heart shattered in a million pieces now. Its completely okay to laugh, smile, be sad, angry, even mad and cry during your time of grieving. No one grieves the same. Im finding myself and dad grieve in way different ways. I need to talk to my psychologist as he doesn't think he needs to talk to anyone, although I tell him he should. He is of the old school generation of suck it up and move on and that I don't need to talk to anyone. I know he's hurting and I would give anything to take that hurt away from my dad. Hell i'm broken hearted for him, he was robbed the best years of his life without my mom now.
It had only been just over a week and i'm feeling like its been longer since I talked to my psychologist but I feel like I need him to talk with daily right now. I need some new coping strategies and to figure out what my purpose in life is. Also I don't know if working a full time job will ever happen again, not the way my health is anyway, I would love to volunteer though.
Im trying to keep myself busy and allow myself to rest, stay in bed and sleep the day if that's what my body is telling my I need. Im also finally going to finish a project that feels like its been two years in the making, which is probably true but really thought about more so last year. Ive been working on cleaning my room out and getting it ready to paint. It will finally get painted next week! My next project I feel like after painting, is to declutter big time!!! I need to either sell or donate more clothes I have way to many. Can a girl really have to many clothes????? Clean up my craft room is also a big thing on my list, I need to get it more organized so I can get back to making bows, I also want to try and make some candles and just do some art projects again. I do love crafting its a great outlet for me to be creative. I get my craftiness from mom.
Even though I feel like my purpose has gone I do have somethings i'm looking forward to in the next few months.
Heres the list:
Birthday coming up (36)
New car shopping
Specialist finally ( yes this im looking forward to hopefully some answers)
Birthday Boudoir shoot ( pushed it a little later this year)
My cousin who is like my sister is coming out to visit from Ontario
Dad and I will finally have our trip away that was canceled at Christmas
I say that's a much better start to the new year than my actual start was. As much as im grieving I am trying to find some happiness and look to the positive. Having some things to look forward to is exactly what I need right now. Im looking most forward to my cousin being here, 2017 was the last time we were together in person even though we talk daily. A holiday is the icing on the cake. Dad and both need this so much!!! Im going to try my best and convince him to go to Disney Land. I think we both need to go to the happiest place on earth and have some fun like we used to with mom!!!
I'll keep this short for now, I'll do a separate blog on how the next few months play out!