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The firsts.......

They say the first holidays are the worst...... Well it wasn't a holiday but it was my birthday. For 35 years I had the woman who carried me in her belly for 9 months with me to celebrate, well last year I got to FaceTime her but she was still here. This year I was dreading my birthday. I usually look forward to the day. Not so much this year because for the first time in 36 years the one other person other than my dad wasn't here to celebrate this day with me. I didn't feel happy, I was very loved, dad did his best to celebrate my day with me. Surprised me with roses Orange and Yellow they were stunning. I also went and had a pedicure a little birthday pampering! My cousin who is like my sister also surprised me and the most beautiful pink bouquet of flowers with a single purple one waiting for when I got home from pampering. My flowers truly made my day with meant a lot to have those two bouquets!! I get my love of flowers from my mom. Dad and I also went to dinner which was nice. A little more normal than last year. So much love from friends and family they made the day with all the wishes, messages, texts, etc. But I have to say if I could have one wish or one present it would be to have mom back healthy and here with me.

Well im writing this, the date is exactly a month from the day we celebrated moms life. Im not sure how time is going so quickly. I was at a movie with my nephews today and at the end I almost started to bawl not cause the movie was sad but cause I was thinking of mom. She used to love going to the movies and loved the animated ones, she would have loved the movie today and enjoyed eating her favourite treat popcorn with butter. I was also thinking how often she would come with me and the boys to the movies she really loved it.

This week is an emotional one for me, getting through my birthday was tough im not sure how I am going to get through moms. She would have been turning 70 this March. I remember in the summer not thinking things would be this way but planning on what we would bring into The Village and moms cottage for all the villagers to enjoy. Instead I am thinking how am I going to get through the day without her, and having to talk to her urn, instead of being able to hug her or kiss her once more.

FUCK I miss her beyond words. I feel like not many people truly understand how much this sucks unless you've been through it....

Now thinking of the first holiday without mom and its Easter, well I think im writing this one off. It's truly not a favourite holiday of mine, in 2013 my grandpa passed away Easter Sunday so that holiday is ruined since then and I miss that guy so much still as well. Only the last couple years were Easters fun when my nieces were over and we did an egg hunt. Seeing the joy on there little faces made it all worth while.

I know they say the first holidays are bad but all days suck all days have moments when you don't want to go on. When you just want to stay in bed and not move, yes I still have those days and yes I allow myself to stay in bed or do nothing, cry, feel sorry for myself, etc, I've learned this is all part of grieving and that's okay!

Anyone who has lost a parent I feel you, I know the pain, and your not alone!


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