Slowly losing mom quicker than expected
Today is Monday December 13th, 2021, yesterday December 12th moms doctor requested to see Dad today in person for a meeting, we both knew that was not a good sign. I would have joined him other than I had a few appointments I couldn't miss. I told dad to let me know how it went and when he didn't message me all day I knew it couldn't have been good. He called on his way home at the grocery store and said we needed to make some decisions. I immediately broke down in tears.
Now the discussion begins, so mom has a week left.... there is never anyway to prepare yourself for those words. Me being me I had tears already coming out of my eyes. Not only are we dealing with Alzhimers we might also now have to add MS into the mix. I was shocked by this news not prepared whatsoever for this. This kind of news hits you like a brick, your heart is ripped out into a thousand pieces. I am only 35 almost 36, mom is not yet 70. She going earlier than both her parents did, her mom was only 72 and died from Alzhimers as well I was about 6 when that happened.
As dad and I continue to talk about the options, please note we were supposed to go on holiday for the first time since 2019 before covid, and we both really needed a holiday. Now this week left is if we started her on a cocktail of meds to keep her very comfortable, however it would eventually within the week most likely take her to a better place. As dad flat out asked the doctor is she in pain and I can tell looking at her yes she is. I don't want her in pain and it is awful to see her like this, the other option is to get us through Christmas with her, she does have that possibility of passing during as well ( hopefully not ). Both dad and I don't want to lose her on Christmas whatsoever it will ruin this holiday for sure. Although this year I wasn't in the mood to decorate as we would have been away no need to get all the totes out etc.
So over are discussion we will now be canceling our trip and postponing till the new year and after mom passes we will then really need to get away and go and be able to possibly enjoy our trip more than if we left now, as all we would be thinking about is mom and heaven forbid she would pass when were away, it would be a shit show to get back to her.
So how do we go on from here, im losing my mom and my dad is losing his wife of 47 years. Yes we have been grieving her for over the last 4 years but more so this year as she has declined at a rapid pace, even her doctor couldn't believe it. Dad and I have made the deal we will get through this together, my heart not only breaks for me but I am devastated for my dad, he was truly robbed of the good life after retirement, the time you work so hard for all your life to go enjoy your older years traveling and doing all the things you couldn't do when you had to be in the office 9-5 Monday to Friday.
My head hurts from the tears, my body feels numb, i'm angry, heartbroken this just feels like a horrible F***ing dream that I am never going to wake up from. I want so badly for mom to not be in pain for her to be free of this nasty disease. How do we tell people? How are they going to take the news? For now we have only told the ones extremely close to us. I messaged my cousin who is like my sister and told her not to call me because I did want to cry anymore, I knew she would be broken hearted as my bff was as well. Not knowing what to say, honestly there isn't anything anyone can say to make this better or easier. What I need is to just be able to talk to them and say how i'm feeling and share pictures etc if I need to and just have them be there. I know my bff and cousin are grown and have experienced loss before, my cousin also lost her mom over 20 years ago to cancer so she understands more than anyone. The ones I don't know how to tell and I told my bff she wasn't allowed to say anything to are her boys. The two older ones had a special bond with mom and her middle one wanted to go visit this year and he and I had a chat and I told him Kathy isn't the same anymore and I don't want him to see her like this. He didn't really understand but he took the news okay, and her older one the one with the most sensitive soul he's a boy after my own heart on my sleeve self. Im heartbroken for them as well. Its never easy losing someone you love.
Here we are December 21st 2021 Mom is still hanging in with us. We have started her on a low dose to keep her comfortable and waiting to see the doctor tomorrow when she come into asses her. I am really enjoying being back in the village and spending this time with mom as much as we can and also seeing the other villagers they are all so sweet!! I've been helping mom eat and she is on what looks like baby food which is nasty which I don't think she enjoys she's also not eating as much as she should, however with where we are right now any food in her is a good day!!
I will add another blog after seeing the doctor, as I'm finding this is a good way fro me to grieve and gather my thoughts. Cause the nasty thing when your loved one has Alzhimers is you don't just grieve them once when they pass. You grieve them when they don't remember your name, you grieve you well they are transitioning to pass on. Its the worst possible way to watch a loved one go through.
XOXO Erin