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Our Final Goodbye

To the days leading up to mom Celebration of life, I've had an extremely numb feeling over my body. I have zero idea what day it is. Some days I cannot get out of bed, I am to exhausted as I am not sleeping. I finally got something to help and I slept the next whole day away. Its not 12:57am well I type this and I cannot sleep. I was speaking with my psychologist gotta love him and we were talking about everything that has happened since the last time I talked to him. And of course I am dealing with PTSD, it never goes away. But trauma can bring it on. I also developed vertigo 6 days after losing mom. I was told by my doctor, Chiropractor and reading about it on line that vertigo can be brought on by emotional stress. Thank you grieving!!!

Friday January 28th, 2022, is by far one of the hardest days of my life. How do you say goodbye to your mom?? Still almost a month later this doesn't feel real. As I got up that day to get ready for the final goodbye. I put on my full face of make up, I did get my lashes done so I could go without mascara ( best decision ever). I fixed my curls and got dressed. Getting dressed for a funeral is never fun you pull out your black dress in my case I bought a new dress before Christmas as I knew the time would be here sooner than later, put the heels and jewelry on. The whole time before heading to the funeral home I was very anxious, I just wanted to be there and get this over with.

About 12:30 pm dad and I pull up, put my mask on and in I walked. There were already a few people there and I went to go find my table where I could sit. I saw moms picture and her urn which couldn't have been more perfect, then I look over to my right and saw the most beautiful floral arrangement i've ever seen! When I went to order moms flowers I knew I wanted lots of purple and the florist she brought my vision to life but 1000 X better!! I almost cried when I saw them. I knew mom would be happy if she was there with me, which Im pretty sure she was.

More people started to get there and people started to hug me, family friends who I have known for 24 years all hugged me and right then and there I lost it, I remember saying I just can't and went into the private room where I could close the door and not be bothered. The boys who were in charge of the service made sure I was ok and came to see if a very special lady could come in and see me and when Nick said Cindy I said of course. More tears came out and I finally got my momma Orr hug which I was needing from when I lost mom. Cindy is like my second mom and she just has that comfort for me, a mama hug exactly what I needed at that moment! Dad also sent another family friend in to check on me and her hug was also what I needed. Annika is one of the kindest people I know!!

After composing myself with Cindy we went to our table. The piano being to play and the tears began to flow. The pastor is a friend to dads so this was a special for him to preform moms celebration. The Pastors wife who happened to be named Kathy as well same as mom was chosen to read Cindy's speech first and mine second, that's when the body shaking started and tear were coming down the a river! Dad at one point held my hand which was comforting, after our speeches, I am terrified of public speaking and there is no way I could have gotten through it, Cindy is also a crier so she chose to have Kathy read hers as well. Next up was dad..... he went up and I completely lost it, this is when my bff who was to the left moved closer and put her arm around me and Cindy came and sat in dads seat and held my hand. I needed those two beside me at that moment more than anything. Dad pretty much had everyone crying at one point and there were also some laughs to. After his speech Ed talked a bit more after wiping his eyes and then the slide show started. Dad switched spots with Cindy and she still held my hand and Kym didn't move from where she was during dads speech. The slide show was perfect, so many memories. The boys did such a beautiful job putting it together!! Then a prayer after the slide show and it was over.

I needed to go to the bathroom to check my face and brush my lashes lol yes I had lash extensions done and it was the best decision, no mascara on my face!! I popped outside for a little bit I needed some fresh air, I was feeling very overheated due to the mask and being overwhelmed with everything that had just gone on. My bff and dad came out to check on me. Then I went back in, went to say hi to everyone at each table and hugs from all. I think with the service over the tears were less finally, it was so nice to have hugs from everyone around who was there with so much love for dad and I and to celebrate mom. I finally sat down to have something to eat and the food was excellent. We will use the company again for some events we have coming up this year. Amazing quality and the food was delicious, presentation was amazing!!

Well people started to say goodbye and empty out of the funeral home, we were left with our "family" The Orr's minus one and my bff and of course our friends who run the funeral home. We ate some more and just chatted, then dad and I packed some food up, grabbed mom, her stunning flowers and headed home, where the Orr's would join us for a drink and then dinner together.

Although the day was extremely emotional and sad, it was also very beautiful. The sun was shinning, wasn't overly cold, we were surrounded by so much love for not only dad and I but also for mom. I truly believe it was a celebration she would have loved. She was loved by so many and the ones who couldn't be there in person due to covid were watching on the live stream. Im beyond thankful that we were able to have her celebration during this crazy time in the world, and we could have all our amazing friends there with us. I couldn't have planned it any better. Garden Hill was a dream to work with they are so kind and caring and truly the most amazing people and i'm so lucky to have them in mine and dads life.

For anyone who believes in signs I will share this photo. I took a few pics of myself prior to going to moms celebration and out of all the photos about 6 of them had this blue dot in them the rest did not and I believe in signs and I know mom was with me that day. I had been waiting for a sign from her and when I was looking through my pictures there she was with me!

the little blue dot by my foot is what popped up in some pics but not all and it changed positions. It was pretty amazing I had tears. Im missing my mom more than anything, I am truly struggling with not having her here and not being able to go visit her anymore. It hurts more than anyone could imagine. I just want her back, I just miss her sooooo much!!

I love you mom so much and miss you more and more as the days go by.


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