FINDING MYSELF AFTER TRAUMA

December 6th 2016 is a night I will never forget.... this night still haunts me 5 years later. I was dating this guy who I had fallen in love with he said he loved me now looking back it was never love. The night of December 6th my ex who was getting more controlling thinking he had a right to go through my phone all my social media, have my passwords, ( ladies any man who thinks he has those rights is a big red flag and in no time he will accuse when you haven't done anything, pick fights and just be horrible, run if you experience these things and run fast), etc, he didn't like that I had social media nor that I was friends with certain people.

I can't remember why he got so mad but I will never forget that punch to my face which caused me to fly about 3 feet from the corner of the bed to the night stand, still holding my Starbucks tumbler surprised it didn't break. I felt immediate pain in my face I think I went into a bit of shock thinking did this really just happen? Did the person who says he loves me actually just punch me in the face? Did I just fly in the air because of it? When I got up to my feet, I left the bedroom and found him on the couch looking in disbelief like what did I just do? I'm not sure why but as I was crying and asking him why he would do that to me he put his head in his hands and didn't say much. At that moment I just needed to be held and the one person who always made me feel better, safe, which clearly I wasn't safe anymore with him cause who knows what else he is capable of. If he can just punch the one he is supposed to love like that. I crawled into his lap and just bawled. It was late, I was going to go to leave and never come back but something in me stayed. I slept in the same bed that night with my abuser, and he cuddled me all night long.

I woke up the next morning and wondered why my face hurt. I was a nanny at the time so. I had to get up and head to work. I call my abuser the Monster still to this day, so from this point on I will either say the or just monster when referring to my ex abuser. The whole time I was at work I wasn't thinking about the night before, had a headache and my face still hurt but I pushed it in the back of my mind. The Monster and I were talking here and there during the day, it wasn't until I got home and was getting ready for a Christmas party and doing my make up when I realized finally why my face was still hurting. I looked close into the mirror and that's when I finally realized I had my first ever black eye. This flashback is so vivid to this day just like when the punch took place, I was talking to my cousin and took a pic of my face and told her to look at my eye. She was like what happened? So I told her what took place the night before and not to say anything. When I noticed my black eye I begin immediately to shake and just bawl my eyes out, in disbelief that was actually what I was seeing and was staring me back in the mirror and not just a horrible dream. As i was doing my make up I was having a hard time covering up the bruises, so I had to give myself a darker smokey eye than I wanted to, just so no one could notice what was under the make up, I was paranoid people were gonna be able to tell and then ask questions. The photo up top was taken when I finally stopped crying and able to compose myself, that smile if you just saw the picture you would never know how shattered and broken the girl in the in the photo was. The Monster was messaging me the whole time I was out and really wanted me to come back over, so silly me after the party I went home grabbed a few things and my iPad and went bak to the Monster. Things were going ok until he decide he had a right to go through my iPad.... I had nothing to hide we were always together. He found a old FaceTime call log and Im talking a couple of years that was still on there and he went bat shit crazy calling me every name in the book almost broke my phone after throwing it and he dropped my iPad and stomped the crap out of it till it was no longer useable. I was furious and terrified he was going to hit me again so I got away from him so he could cool down, and yet even though I was terrified of what he might do again I stayed that night with him again. That was the night of December 7th and for the next 13 days I stayed with him the first couple days were good then he started to just be a F***ing asshole and name calling. I remember leaving his house one morning and I was pretty sick so I went home to sleep. He thought he had an appointment and got a speeding ticket and car impounded and wouldn't stop calling me till I came to pick him up on the side of the road cause it was my fault that he was speeding ( of course it was my fault abusers can't take the blame themselves ). I picked him up listened to him yell and blame me the whole time back to his house, all well I was not feeling well. Get to his house I put my car in park so he could get out wouldn't turn it off and he kept saying get out and I kept saying no I'm going home I'm not feeling well, at this point he busted my phone in my car. I finally had enough yelled at him to get the F out and drove away. Now I get my mom to take me to the mall so I could replace my phone and we replaced my iPad at the same time. He was freaking out at this point now harassing my mom and blowing up my emails.

Fast forward to Friday December 16th 2016, the last 12 weeks haven't been fun. I'm at my nephews Christmas concert and my phone is blowing up with texts and calls meanwhile he knows where I am. He basically wouldn't leave me alone until I went to pick him up to finally get his car, he was an ass when I got there wasn't even ready to go and then got pissed off when I was like I have a nail appointment we need to leave, he took his god dam time. Drop him to get his car and then say I'm not coming over tonight. Well I had the sweet spot for him, he finally talked me into coming back out for the night.

I got him to finally agree we could go out for dinner, we hadn't been on a date in a while. When I got there he pulled me into the bedroom and started being all romantic and we had sex, the best part and I've never felt more horrible in my life he tells me thanks you can leave now, I got what I wanted.... I almost started to cry right then and there, so I started to grab my things and he's like your not leaving I was joking blah blah, when I knew he wasn't but he also didn't want me to go, I can't remember what else happened but it was the last straw for me. I started to pack everything, well in the bathroom the asshole got in my face was trying to take my phone I managed to keep it grabbed my stuff and for the next 20 to 30 minutes he wouldn't let me leave the house. He was pushing me on the stairs and just refusing to let me go. Finally I was able to get out of the house and into my car and get the F out of there.

We'll driving home I passed a police station and thought about stopping but just wanted to get home. I deal with chronic pain and was in quite a bit of pain at this time so I went to bed and took my pain killers, they make me pass out. the next morning I wake up to an excessive amount of text messages and missed calls from him accusing me of not being home, being off with random guys etc. That was a Friday night the next morning I had plans to go Christmas shopping with dad and continued to get harassed then my BFF messages me and I'll never forget this but she's like he's now threatening a mutual friend of hers and mine. Hearing of that text from my bff was the last straw....

Before I finish I’m going to add another incident that took place about a month prior to me finally going to the police and leaving my ex:

I should have started this post with before I finally went and made a report about a month prior there was a very scary night with the monster......

We had gone up to these outdoor hot tubes he knew about we had been drinking nothing crazy but we had a couple and there were other guys there, we were all chatting and these guys a couple of them came into the tube we were in they were drunk and one had put his hand on my leg, I brushed it off and moved closer to my ex. We got back in the car after we were done and started to lose it I can't remember what he exactly said but was accusing me of liking one of the guys. I was like no and I told him when I moved closer to him it was because the guy put his hand on my leg he absolutely lost it then he slapped me across the face started driving like a f***ing idiot. Told me he could kill us both right then and there and at one point I yelled just F***ing do it! We got back to his house he deleted his number from my phone and we were fighting. I was finally like I'm going home, he had my cell phone at this point and wouldn't give it back. He for whatever reason wanted to follow me and come to my house the reason skips my mind, during driving home I was terrified and was trying to get my dad on my phone to call the police. I really truly thought he was going to either hurt me or run me off the road. I was even trying to call 911 if I could get side by side with him my car would connect to my phone that he had in his car. Once I got my dad I was able to get him to call the police for me telling him I was being chased and needed the cops to meet me at my house then I got disconnected, at this point I guess the police kept trying to call my phone and I think my dad as well, my ex got scared was like pull over I was about 10 minutes from my house and I pulled over. Was finally handed my phone and he pulled me in and kissed me. It was also the first time he said he loved me. I answered the phone when an unknown number called it was an officer and I told him I was being followed by a black pick up truck and it was scaring me and it finally stopped falling me. I know I know never lie to the police however I didn't want my ex to be in trouble.

Now back to finally reporting the abuse:

So off I drove to the police station about 20/25 minutes away I think I got there much faster, I was shaking the whole time. Never in a million years did I think I would ever have to do something like this. Also before I left the house I wouldn't tell my parents why or what had happened just that I needed to do this. I pull into the police station park my car and in I go. Not sure what to expect or even who talk to. The lady at the window asks how she can help me, I tell her I need to talk to someone about the Monster hitting me and that he was now harassing me. She then takes down my statement. Of course she had to ask why I didn't report it the day of the assault, to be frank I was scared and because I stayed with him for another 10 days after the assault I was ashamed to have gone back to him. I have since found out even after filing a report more often than not woman or men go back to there abusers and some more than others. After filing my report I went home then get a phone call from a Constable from the RCMP who was assigned my case asking me if I can come in as soon as possible that same day as he was going on vacation as it was Christmas time he wanted to deal with this ASAP! I left my house went back talked to my bff on the car phone the whole drive and met the officer outside and he walked me in. We went into an interrogation room, I felt completely shaky, my phone I had left in my purse and I had my water bottle. I was terrified and yes the interrogation room looks like it does on tv and in the movies, a room with a table and chairs. The constable took my info down and what happened and because I had picture proof of what happened to my face that pretty much sealed the deal I think. I remember being left in the room for a little bit and I knew there was a camera watching ( dateline and shows with interrogations rooms show that they watch you, and listen to hear if you say anything to contradict yourself), I felt frozen even though I wasn't in the wrong and I needed to be safe. I was terrified that he would come after me and do some serious harm to me. I also confessed to the officer about the incident from the month prior and that I knew it was wrong to lie to a police officer but I was scared and didn't want to have to possibly do what I was doing at that moment. The constable was amazing he was so understanding and I knew I was doing the right thing after talking to him. I was given his card and some cards with file numbers on told to block his number, and to have zero contact with him. And if I decided to change my number I was to contact the officer and let him know, also if he came to my house then I needed to call 911.

Im home at this point and get a phone call saying my ex wouldn't come to the door wouldn't talk to them etc, so they had to leave. What I hadn't mentioned was he was also telling me he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault and that he was going to do harm to that friend of mine a littler earlier I told you about. The next day which would have been Sunday December 18th 2016. I was still receiving some emails from him and was getting very upset I dint sleep the night before and I was just terrified. I was in bed that night and had just got up to go pee when I looked outside and there was a car and the end of the drive way just sitting there, we have a gate thank god that he couldn't come up the driveway. As soon as I saw the car I had to put my glasses on and I called 911, told the 911 operator the situation she had dispatched the police and they were there within like 5 minutes, my ex had gone at this point which pissed me off they couldn't get him. I told my parents what I was doing and to stay in the family room as I closed the door so I could talk to the police alone. Two cops entered my home a female and male they were both amazing so sweet and understood why I was calling. These police officers were from my town, where I filed my report was in the next town due to him being known to the police and that is where the assault had taken place, they understood why I did that.

I was also told there was a box at the end of the driveway and what would I like them to do with it. I said open it and then if its safe you can bring it up here. Attached to the box was a balloon that said I love you and in the box was flowers and a card. I took the box cause I wanted to see the flowers and after reading the card to make sure there was nothing serious inside they gave it to me and there business cards with the new file number and told me to call again if any problems. I had emails from him saying open the box or they will die. I took the box into my kitchen and took a knife to the balloon and stabbed it to get the air out and some aggression. Now I know most people wouldn't have done this next part however there was 2 dozen pink roses which are my absolute favourite flowers and they were beautiful, so instead of wasting beautiful flowers I told myself they are just pretty and not from him, also a pink teddy bear was attached to them, I still to this day have the card and teddy bear my nieces took over, I'm not sure I just haven't been able to get rid of either, and sometimes I read it just to reassure myself I did the right thing and know I was lucky to get out when I did.

Monday the 19th I will never forget this day I had to return something to the mall and was still receiving emails from him and needed to see apple regarding my phone it wasn't working properly so they had to exchange it. Ignoring his emails I finally had enough and called the no emergency line and talked to a police officer again and I just couldn't take the harassment anymore. I believe the time was around 4:00 pm on the 19th I get a call from an unknown number and it was the watch commander, for those who don't know it is the police officer in charge, and he finally told me the news I was waiting for! They had arrested my ex the Monster.....

He put up a fight with them at first not wanting to come out of his house. He finally agreed and they took him to emergency at first to make sure he wasn't a danger to himself and then he was off to the jail. I had one final message from him and it said along the lines of I never meant to hurt you please babe they are charging me with criminal harassment, I need you to go to the court house by 9 am tomorrow or I'm gonna spend Christmas in jail. There was no way in hell I was going to get him out of jail. It was the first time in the month I truly felt at ease. I then received a text from his sister asking what was going on, that his lawyer was out of town and so on. I blocked her after taking a screen shot of the message to send to the police. Also my phone number was changed that night and I sent all the police the new number to reach me on.

Now Christmas Day 2016, I put a smile on my face even though I was not wanting to, We had family friends over for dinner, and I almost lost it giving hugs, I did not want to be touched by anyone, even if I had known them for a long time. I also received a phone call from the police officer who took my statement down to see how I was doing etc it was very nice for him to check in. Move to a few more days the 27th I believe I was at my bffs house and get a phone call from my mom and it was I needed to call crown counsel. So that I did and the next day or two I was in her office hearing what charges were going to be brought to him and that this was not the first time he had assault a woman and she said you probably won't be the last. I also learned that he is usually able to talk his victim I hate that term into having the charges dropped. That made me sick to my stomach hearing all this. I was also told about the different victim services that were offered etc. I met with a victim service lady who worked at the police station she helped me do a victim impact statement and told me of all there services available to me. I did manage to book in with my psychologist who I had seen previously in the past, I love him feel safe with him only reason I went to a man psychologist otherwise I would have had to find a female, I didn't want to be near men let alone locked in a room, I also would still see my chiropractor who is also male but I trust him and had been seeing him for over 20 years at that point.

Welcome January 2017, crown was in contact and letting me know what was going on, she was also so sweet and would answer any questions I had so happy she was on my side, she had dealt with my ex through the years. January 17 2017 I was on my way home from downtown and as I was making a left hand turn I got smoked from behind and rear ended. I couldn't believe that had just happened. I was still dealing with the trauma from the Monster and now this.

When I tell you I called my dad he had no idea what I was saying I was hysterical in the car driving it home. I stopped at his work cause he out of anyone is my rock and makes me feel better. I believe at this time I had told my mom what had actually happened between my ex and finally told my dad around the same time they saw the pictures and my dad was ready to kill my ex. So now onto of trauma I was dealing with now the pain from being hit by a truck I couldn't focus I wasn't sleeping and in constant pain.

Move forward to around the 27th of January 2017 I got the call my ex had finally plead guilty, the words I was wanting to hear since he was arrested. I Asked crown if I would be able to attend the sentencing and she said of course. No one really understood why I wanted to go alone to the court house, but to me it was very personal and I didn't want my friends or family to be seen by the monster or hear all that was said. It was either February 2 or 3 2017 I will never forget the morning getting ready putting make up on doing my hair and getting dressed I can see what I had on when I close my eyes how my hair looked etc, I get to the court house and see the room had changed so I was stressed cause I was told a certain room and then it was different. I saw Crown and she stayed with me until we went into the court room. I sat a few rows back from the front I wasn't sure how long we would be there, as the judge can see multi cases a day the other lawyer let our case go first I wasn't a huge fan of the ladies who were going after us they kept turning around to look at me. The judge was late of course, finally it was starting crown announced I was in the court room of course using the word "victim", they finally brought the monster up in his cuffs, his reds and into the glass box, I needed to see that!!

I can still feel his eyes glaring at me and he had a look of if I could kill you I would. I kept looking straight at the judge and took my power back. I was absolutely appalled that the judge said he felt like the monster had remorse. The monster was able to stand up and "apologize" it was no where near an apology he basically blamed me for his actions etc. Finally his sentencing was read 111 days he would be serving I wanted 2 years, but was happy he was going to be locked up for a bit. I also wanted a protection order as I was terrified of him even with him in jail. I was given my protection order for 2 years thankfully and he wasn't to contact me directly or indirectly and if he broke it he would go back to jail. After his sentencing I walked out of the court room with Crown and she said to me he wasn't sorry at all I said that was not an apology she agreed! I also asked her what's it going to take for him to be sentenced longer and know he's a huge danger, then I was like for him to kill someone? Crown was like that's what I'm worried for.

I then left the court house and spent the rest of the day alone I didn't want to be near anyone. I was always told if he was being moved from jails and he did get moved to the jail that was closer to me and I lost it a bit knowing that. I also was sleeping with bear spray in my bed cause I was terrified he would break in. Getting up in the morning still to this day is extremely hard for me, takes me a good extra half hour to hour to actually get out of bed. Thank you sever anxiety and PTSD! I also had to tell my lawyer at this point what had happened cause when I went to a physio appointment and it was a stranger even though it was a woman I had a sever anxiety attack and that was when I could only see people I knew thankfully my massage therapist and Chiro I had known for years and that was the only treatments I could handle for now because of my sever anxiety and PTS.

About 15 months after his sentence and we were not my protection order, I received something in the mail, I opened it up and it was a cheque from the Monster that was sent through his PO for $1500.00, it was to reimburse me for replacing my iPad and phone. That brought a wave of emotion back and I cried. I don't think I was upset but it felt like it was finally over.

Now to the week before my protection order ends. I was baby-sitting my nieces and taking care of my mom at our house and the phone rings, I see the pre trial number come up on my phone, my stomach literally was in my throat at this point. I answered my phone and she could tell I was shocked and I said to Kate was her name, what did he do now?? Kate knew I could tell why she was calling. I really wish I hadn't been notified however that was there job and part of my protection order to know if he had broke any of his rules. I was told he assaulted his new girlfriend and my heart sank and I had a massive anxiety attack, trying to take care of my nieces I sent an email to crown I still had all her information and knew again she would be taking this case. I also messaged my girlfriend who is a family lawyer and knows crown when I couldn't get ahold of her right away. I wanted a new order of protection not just for me but for my nieces as they were at my house weekly. I talked to both my gf who was able to get through to crown that the monster never went backwards he always picked a new victim and never went back to an old one, that made me feel a little better but I still wanted protection. finally after a bit crown called me and let me know the steps we could go and that I would have to face him etc and I realized there was no way I could do that, I never wanted to see him again!!

As time has gone by there are a few times I swear I saw the Monster, once I was in a Starbucks and literally couldn't move my body went frozen, the next time I was pumping gas and again my body went frozen and I had my nephews in the car and by the time I managed to get into my car they were goofing off and not bucked so I yelled at them to hurry up, third time I thought I saw him I was going to pay in the gas station this was very recent and I swear he was standing right by the door. I again stopped dead in my tracks and finally walked to my car as fast as I could and got out of there ASAP!

Now 5 years later I still deal with sever anxiety, and working through PSTD. I still have my bear spray next to my bed not in bed anymore. I still talk with my psychologist about every other month now. I am still terrified if I ever run into my ex and still have major anxiety driving around his town. I've learned I am much stronger than I ever thought and that he doesn't win. I won the moment he was in those handcuffs the moment I witnessed him in his jail reds and in that little glass box. I won the moment I fell in love with myself again. The Monster will NEVER win.

The thing I learned about domestic violence is that is is never your fault the abuser has some serious issues and that you are never to blame no matter how many times he tells you its your fault it isn't!!

XOXO Erin